Relationships, Reasons, and Seasons Part 1
Alright. So I'm on the go per usual. And instead of saying, wait till I get back to my microphone so I can say this, or instead of waiting until I sit down and write some show notes, I wanted to have this conversation today. One thing that is talked about a lot is relationships, cultivating relationships, managing those relationships, and building your network if we're talking about careers and professional. But do we put that same type of effort that we put into our professional relationships?
Nikki:Do we put that same energy into our personal relationships? So the people that you spend the most time with or the people who you would love to spend the most time with, but distance or circumstances won't let you, but these are the people who are closest to you. So I'm curious about how are you feeling about the current state of your relationships? And I did a session recently where I facilitated a conversation with some professional women, and this was the topic that I came up with. And it talked about the topic was the state of your relationships.
Nikki:If you had to use one word to describe your relationships with the people who are closest to you, how would you describe that? So people responded with having a word for the relationships with the people they live with, their immediate family. It's it's fine or it's fun. Some people were saying it's it's toxic or it could be better. And the other question was that I posed to the group is how is your relationship with yourself and how are you taking care of yourself even when you are having challenges in the relationships with other people?
Nikki:And there were similar sentiments. My relationship, I could be much better than my much better to myself. I take BS that I shouldn't take or from taking BS from other people that I know I shouldn't take. It was also, I know I need to work out or I know I need to eat better, but I'm stressed or I'm tired from work, and I just don't I just choose not to. But in the over the the time that we spent together, it was about an hour or so, I wanted us to dig deep and explore the answers to those questions.
Nikki:And I also wanted us to walk away with, if you have a relationship that's important to you that's not in the best place, what can you do? Never mind what is going on with the other person and how they feel about the situation. With you extending the olive branch and being the bigger person, what can you do to improve that relationship? And also, what can you do to improve the relationship with yourself? How are you going to be better to you?
Nikki:Even if it's, hey, replace that bad meal with a healthier meal or take thirty minutes and do a workout or go for a walk. Or I personally like to have dance parties for one. And I'll go in my bathroom and lock the door and maybe pour me a glass of something good. And I turn on my playlist and I have a good time and I dance. Or I go in my closet because I know nobody's gonna find me in there and I can sing loud and dance and and have a good time with myself.
Nikki:And it feels it's so, rejuvenating and I always feel better afterwards. And so the point of the conversation was for us as individuals to forget for a minute about the external factors and the things that might be happening in our lives because of other people. But what can we do? How do we control what we can control? So this is about to get loud because I gotta let down the window and throw out this gun that I've been chewing on.
Nikki:It was good when I chewed it, but it's gross now. But I wanted to talk about that today along those same lines of thinking about a relationship that you value that's not in the best place. How is it that you arrived at the point where your relationship isn't in the best place and what can you do to fix it? But before we get to part two of that question, question one and a half is, do you even wanna fix the relationship? Now, and I'm saying that because there are some relationships that are for a reason, for a season, to teach you a lesson, to confirm things that have been swirling in your mind.
Nikki:And those lessons may hit you in a good way. They may hit you in a positive way. You might've had a blow up with somebody that reminded you of, why am I trying to hold on to this relationship? Or how am I, am I my best self in this relationship? Can I bring my full self to this marriage, this this situationship, this friendship, this cousinship?
Nikki:So it can be a lot of different relationships, not just one where you're romantically involved. And when we take a step back and think about relationships from that perspective, is it serving me? When I think about where I wanna be, what I wanna do and who I wanna do it with and how I wanna feel, Is this relationship, is this person worthy of my time, worthy of being in my space, worthy of sharing my energy? That's the way to look at it. Not because that's been your friend since second grade, or you've been with this person since college, or you met this person during a vulnerable time in your life.
Nikki:Let's forget all of that for a minute and talk about the current state of the relationships. Do you care enough about this relationship to put in the work? And I was having a conversation with my therapist a while back and we were talking about some different things, some relationship things, a couple of experiences that I've had with people. And there was this one situation in particular where I was I was cool with somebody, but something in my spirit wouldn't let me let that person in, and I kept them at an arm's length when I dealt with them. So we, kiki, say, hey.
Nikki:Hoo, hi. How you doing? And what meet up occasionally, go to brunch or something like that. But something in me, something in my spirit would not let me Lord, it's cold. I've been fighting this cold for about four days now And what I'm not gonna do is take any pharmaceuticals.
Nikki:I'm due for another hot toddy and some turmeric and black pepper tea with some ginger and some cayenne pepper and some honey and some lemons in it. But what I won't be doing is taking no scissor and no pharmaceuticals. So I hope I don't sound stuffy and congested. I hope I don't sound I hope I sound better than I feel. Let's put it that way.
Nikki:Tangent, there's always a tangent on the Workin' Mama's podcast. Let's bring it back around to the relationships. So as I was saying, I had this relationship where I just, I had to keep the person at arm's length. My spirit, even the times when I tried to let this person in, my spirit was like, no, ma'am. No, ma'am.
Nikki:No, ma'am. And there's something about listening to your spirit. You don't always know the why or where the energy is coming from, but it was something that was like, no, don't do it. Do not get close to this person. And then it was like, what would I even get out of getting close to this person?
Nikki:Because relationships are mutually beneficial. And I know what this person would have gotten out of me had we connected on a deeper level, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I could not do it. And I can clap because I'm sitting at a red light and I'm hands free.
Nikki:Y'all know I don't play about the texting and driving, the phone in my hand, none of that. But there was later, it's so funny how this happened because there was something that revealed itself that was the ultimate confirmation for me. Like, see, this is why you did not wanna get close to this person. So without going into any further detail, because the more I talk about it, I'm like, I'm I'm ridiculously you you're at a yield sign. Please yield.
Nikki:But the more I think about and reflect on that whole situation, part of it is laughable to me and part of it is so, it's a reminder in being connected to what's important to me and being aware and really paying attention to my emotions, my inner self that has never failed me. And not only did that person lose me as a friend, they lost a handful of other friends if that tells you anything. But there were other situations in my life, and I'm sure in yours too, where relationships naturally go through a life cycle. And you meet that person and y'all start having fun. Y'all might be kicking it together, traveling, going to the club, matchmaking, all of that.
Nikki:And that's fun. Right? And then you hit this plateau in the relationship and it organically declines or deteriorates. And for a long time, I was in denial about some of those relationships. But there's this level of self awareness that I've developed that has helped me cope with those relationships going away even when I felt like at the time, I didn't want them to go away.
Nikki:But hindsight is always twenty twenty. And the more I learned about the person and the circumstance, I was like, okay. The one time I need water, I stay hopping in the car with my cup or with a water bottle, and the one time I need water, I don't have any. But things were revealed about those people and those relationships. When y'all rate this episode, please don't say, oh my gosh.
Nikki:She was coughing and hacking. Like, I know, but I could care less about formalities and perfection. If you ain't never coughed a day in your life, then something is wrong with you. But once I got to the hindsight phase of letting go of these relationships, I was like, oh, okay. Now that I know, now that I've emotionally matured, I get it.
Nikki:I understand it. And it's okay. It is okay if your friend from work, y'all don't talk no more because you left and went to another job or they left and went to another job. It is okay if the people that you went to school with, whether it's elementary, middle school, high school, college, grad school, it is okay if your relationship with those people decline or just disintegrate altogether and y'all don't and y'all are on a high and bad type of basis. It's cool.
Nikki:It's okay if those same people you're even on a speaking basis with, and these people will have to check they post when they around you to see if they still alive because you are just ignoring them that much. It's okay. It is okay. And I've gotten to the point where I know what I bring to relationships and when I build a relationship with somebody, most of the time, it's it's super organic. I'm not there trying to get nothing out of nobody and definitely not trying to get something or do something by a certain date.
Nikki:But if it's meant to for us to be connected, then that relationship organically grows. I know me, and I know that I don't tolerate a lot of bullshit and the people that I've connected with, our chakras have greeted each other or we have matched energy. And when your energy is off and when my bad vibes radar goes off, that's the end of it. And I wanna hop back to this relationship I talked about with the person that I had to keep at a distance is this was one of those situations where I was given grace and given somebody the benefit of the doubt because our initial interaction was not good. And I felt like this person could be putting on a facade because of the environment, because of the other people who are in the room, because of whatever.
Nikki:And I was okay with it. I was okay with it and so glad that I stuck to my guns. Like, every relationship, everybody is not meant to be your BFF. There is no love at first sight. I knew you was the one.
Nikki:No. I need to get to know you. I need to get to know who you are, where your head is at. What have you gone through? And what have you gone through that you haven't dealt with that you might be projecting onto me, the more comfortable we get with each other?
Nikki:Those are the things I'm curious about. What do you like to do? And strip away whatever job or income level or car or material things that you have, strip all of that away, the degrees, the credentials, all of that, strip all that away and tell me who you are as a person. Not for what you've done or what you've attained, but who are you as a person? That's what I'm on.
Nikki:Because at this point in my life, could care less about what you get. Because I probably either then already had what you got or I've got the equivalent of what you got. Not interested in that. Where's your head at? What vibe are you on?
Nikki:Are you still blaming your childhood or your friends or whatever happened for the state that you're in right now? Are you this traumatized adult who was a traumatized kid and you never learned how to communicate with people, you've never learned how to have a mature exchange. And you don't know how to talk to people. And your default emotion is anger. But you mad at the wrong people or you're disguising that anger, that that anger is really your fear in a mask.
Nikki:So that's where I'm at with it. And it's just like I tell people at work, the the thing that somebody on my team could say to me that will burn my skillets is, well, we've always done it like this. So when people get to the whole, we've been together for X number of years, so we're stuck together, or this person saved me when I was going through something. If that's your rationale for being with somebody, you wasting time. Because here's the thing, what you wanted and needed from that person last year, five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago, it's different.
Nikki:But if that person is so accustomed to giving you something that you needed five years ago, even though you you've evolved as a person, that shit don't really make sense. Oh, lord. I parked in here in the gap spot. I'm a have to back up and and go to a different barking space. But the point I'm trying to make is, as we evolve as people, our needs change, our wants change, our expectations change, right?
Nikki:If the people around you are not evolving and they don't even have to be evolving at the same pace, if they're just not evolving, period, but you trying to spiral up, do better things, acquire better things for yourself, get yourself in a better financial position, get that house you've always talked about, get that job or start that business and the people around you cannot get on board for whatever reason with what you're trying to do, that alignment is going to dominate the relationship that you have with that person. And the time that y'all spend together, y'all are gonna spend most of that time clashing, button heads, and not being good to each other or for each other. So where I'm at, I'm at twenty two minutes. I like to keep all these episodes to thirty minutes or less. I know that we are all busy.
Nikki:We got shit to do, things going on, But I wanted to share that message totally off my dome. It was on my heart. And I felt like if I'm feeling like this, somebody else has to be feeling like this. And I hope that I can say something that will resonate with somebody. I hope that I'm saying something that's going to induce somebody listening to this to do something different.
Nikki:I dare you to do something different. And that's why I named my community, the audacious accountants. Do you have the audacity to be a dope ass accountant? And I know we're not talking about accounting right now, we're not, but that was where it came from, not just in your work, but in your life. Do you have the audacity to do what's best for you?
Nikki:Even when other people don't like it, even when they don't approve, even when they don't agree, even when they don't support, it's not for you to agree or support or approve. All you gotta do is respect it and hope that the fact that you moving in a different direction and that you trying to quote unquote level up and position yourself better, that that would rub off on those people and they would do the same thing for themselves instead of expending their energy and their breath, their tea, like we talk about on the Workin' Mama's, their time, energy, effort, the TEE, hopefully what you're doing will rub off on them and inspire them to do the same thing for themselves. So that then now that both of y'all are aligned internally, then y'all can come together as two people, whether it's in an intimate relationship, a friendship, whatever type of relationship. So I hope that this message gives you something to think about. And if you've been teetering and on the fence about whether you need to end the relationship, whether you need to pick up the phone and squash a beef or whether you, there's somebody that you wanna meet and you just haven't done it yet.
Nikki:I hope that this message inspires you to go out and take the steps, make the phone calls, the text messages, the emails are cool, but it's nothing like that phone. Pick up the phone and talk to somebody that you've been wanting to talk to, that you know that you need to have a conversation with, that you need to get something off of your chest. But this is about you. It is totally okay to be selfish. It is totally okay to put yourself first and anybody who does not agree with that don't need to be in my circle, nowhere near it.
Nikki:Nowhere near it. Because the bigger question is, you so worried about me taking care of myself, but why are you not taking care of yourself? How do you have this much energy for me with all the shit you got going on? But again, that's a tangent. That might be another episode for another day, but I want you to take away from this a couple things.
Nikki:Number one, it's okay if a relationship ends or goes sour or whatever. Okay. Yeah, I had to make sure I wasn't crazy. I'm sitting in the parking lot and I'm about to wrap up this episode and get out the car. And I looked over at the person in the parking space two spaces over from me, parked in the handicap space that I was in, I don't think he has a handicap sticker, but he has a teddy bear in the passenger seat that looks like, what's that, what's that bear movie called?
Nikki:I forget the Ted, is it Ted? Whatever the teddy bear movie is called, there's this life size, like adult bear sitting in the passenger seat looking straight ahead, like that's crazy. But you know what? I'm not here to judge, I'm not here to talk about nobody. It tickled me a little bit, but if that's what he's into, hey, who's to say that teddy bear is not therapy for him.
Nikki:So if that's what he wanna do, let him go ahead and do it. But that goes back to what I just said. I had no intention of pulling up on somebody who had a teddy bear as a passenger in their car. But A, if that's what floats his boat, let him float his boat. Because what does my opinion mean?
Nikki:I don't know nothing about this man. It might be funny to some, but that teddy bear might be providing him some real therapy, relief, energy, some sentiment of value, whatever. So we gotta be, we gotta make sure that we have enough energy to take care of ourselves and focus on our own stuff before we start peeping at other people's cars and judging other people's life's decisions. So that's it, I'm done. I'm about to run-in here and grab me some Dai Leone and some lemonade.
Nikki:I'm at the liquor store y'all. And my liquor cabinet is on E. I got some Bel Air Rose in there. I got maybe a bottle of red wine. I got a couple of Casamigo mixers, but I have no more Casamigo tequila, which I might grab just to put in the stash.
Nikki:I have no daily own. I have no simply lemonade for my daily own, but I got some blueberries at the house that I'm gonna muddle with some mint leaves and put the daleon and lemonade and some ice in the shaker, pour that in the cup, garnish it with a lime wedge and some lime juice and stir it up. It's gonna be delicious. It's gonna look like some expensive drink at some cute restaurant, but that's it for now. Appreciate y'all for tuning in.
Nikki:Please share this episode with somebody that can use it. Feel free to rate it on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening. I thank you all for tuning in. I'm also going to get some whiskey to put in my hot toddy that I'm making tonight because I'm about sick of this cold. I got my energy back, but this congestion is like posted up and I'm ready for it to go.
Nikki:So thank y'all for tuning in. I love y'all. Come back for another episode of the Workin' Mama's podcast, but until then y'all be good.
